


from now on (we will come back home, again)

by murphysarc



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Dyslexia, F/M, Happy Ending, I love that tag, M/M, Post-Season/Series 04, SPACE SQUAD, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-02 12:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13317783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murphysarc/pseuds/murphysarc
Summary: it takes raven six years to fix the rocket. murphy wants to help, but compared to the rest, he’s having some trouble keeping up.or, throughout the six years, bellamy teaches murphy to read. that’s not all they learn. title from “from now on” from the greatest showman soundtrack.





	from now on (we will come back home, again)

**Author's Note:**

> soooo this one is messy, it's odd, i wrote it in like an hour but i felt...oddly attached to it. so here ya go.
> 
> the lowercase thing is on purpose hope it's not terribly hard to read. i'm just trying to be all artsy.

**i.**

he feels like he can’t sit still in his skin.

murphy stands with the rest of the tired, ragged crew of the ark. it’s an insult, maybe, to call them a crew, but they’ve got what they’ve got.

raven leans against the wall, keeping the weight off her bad leg. naturally, she’s leading the meeting, explaining in layman’s terms what’s going on with the ship’s systems, the rocket, and whether or not they will live. monty joins in from time to time to further elaborate, but otherwise, it’s all raven.

the technology-talk is going way above murphy’s head, as per usual. instead of listening, he finds himself staring at raven’s leg, the way it trembles slightly when she shifts her body. the brace is holding for now, but –

he’s graduated from feeling intense guilt when he looks at it, and now he only feels a terrible, hollow remorse.

raven’s looking around now, realizing she’s lost most of them. “long story short,” she says, “we should have enough air and systems for seven or eight years. i think i can get the rocket fixed in six months to a year.”

“that long?” that’s bellamy, now, holding his place as makeshift-leader.

raven focuses her gaze on his sullen face. “it has to be done right. just in case.”

he nods, then turns to harper. “the algae farm?”

she begins to launch into detailing how quickly it will be up to full-function, sounding scarily like raven. monty smiles the whole time, beaming with pride. subconsciously murphy reaches for emori’s hand and holds on tight.

she finishes, and emori quietly tells the group what she’s been able to scavenge. raven nods encouragingly, murphy holds her hand tight, and steadily her voice grows louder.

“right,” bellamy says. “thank you all…i guess we’ll get back to it, yeah?”

he’s changed, since clarke died, murphy thinks. gone is the confident leader. that bellamy died along with wanheda, giving rise to an unsure bellamy, a bellamy who leads with reluctance instead of zeal.

emori gives him a smile, and they get ready to leave. he’s been helping her root through one particularly large and very destroyed room, searching for any valuables. as they start to go, bellamy clears his throat behind him. “murphy?” he says.

a soft smile gives emori permission to depart, a silent _i will see you later, we are still alright_ , and he turns to face bellamy. “yeah?”

“i’m just – what have you been doing?”

murphy scoffs. it’s what he knows how to do. “i’m working with emori.”

“yeah, but – what else?”

“is this an interrogation?”

“no–”

“why do _you_ care, anyways? what have _you_ been doing?”

“murphy, stop.”

he does.

bellamy sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, a nervous twitch he used to have on the ark and now has been given again. “i just – harper’s running the algae farm with monty, who’s helping raven fix up the ark, who’s training echo, who’s been giving those self-defence classes – that you still have to go to – with emori, who’s scavenging the ark.”

“yeah,” murphy says. “didn’t hear your name in there, boss.”

bellamy lets himself smile for half a second. “i just wondered why.”

murphy could tell him why. he could explain exactly what happened when they first came here, how he tried to help but – well. that would mean asking bellamy for help, and he is _not_ good at that.

“don’t worry about it,” he says, and then he’s gone.

 

**ii.**

_three months ago –_

they’ve landed in the ark, and murphy finds himself in the medical bay, the place he spent the most time in. there are a few bottles of who-knows-what lying around, and he looks in them and tries, really, he does, but the letters just blur together and there’s no point in trying to convince the rest he knows what he’s talking about when he can’t even read them –

_two months ago –_

he’s trying to give raven a hand, atonement, maybe, but also because she’s better than him at asking for help. “hey,” she says, “can you go over to that panel and then hit the ignition on this? need to see if it still runs.” and yes, he can do that, so he goes over to the panel but there are buttons upon buttons and they’re all labeled, yes, but they’re small and he thinks one says ignit-whatever, but this is not the time to guess –

_one month ago –_

he feels selfish for finding it embarrassing that emori can transcribe important information better than murphy can. he can’t blame it on messy writing forever, but he’s going to try –

_now –_

murphy can’t read. he can barely write. he’s – well, now he’s surrounded by academics on a small spaceship for five years and it’s getting harder and harder to pretend he’s useful.

 

**iii.**

he finds the room quickly.

his feet find the same spot they did, all those years ago. the old scars on his hands from the burns feel fresh as he stares at the wreckage. maybe they didn’t have time to clean it up – maybe it was a memorial, a reminder.

for murphy, it’s –

well. he stares at the burned remains of the room he burned down long, long ago, in a desperate protest to make the name of his father _mean_ something.

this is the room he watched burn in horror, where guards came and took him away, where none other than abby griffin worked to save the life of the man who arrested his father.

 _“i expected more from you, john,”_ abby had once said to him, _“but i understand.”_

 

**iv.**

“murphy!”

the name is shouted from an adjacent room. it’s clearly bellamy’s voice, so murphy stands, gives emori a reassuring glance – they’re still furiously protective of each other – and departs for bellamy.

“help me out with this, will you?” he finds bellamy saying. he’s joined emori’s scavenging team today, helping clear another smaller room that looks like it could house valuables. murphy enters the room to see bellamy crawling into a small corner of the room, eyes focused on some kind of technology that seems intact.

“what do you need?” murphy asks.

“there’s a pen and paper by the door,” bellamy says. it’s archaic to use pens, but it’s all they could find up here. “there’s a series of numbers and some words on here – i’m going to run it by raven, see if it’s worth getting out of here. can you just write down what i say?”

and murphy goes quiet, slowly picking up the paper. the pen feels foreign in his grasp. “right,” bellamy says. “okay, so it’s 9-2-4-7-5-A-V…”

he’s still going, but murphy’s stuck at “4”. he’s written it down, but it looks wrong – backwards, maybe, but there’s no way to tell for him. bellamy’s still calling out letters and numbers, then finally he goes, “you got it?”

the pen falls from his grasp in a moment of defeat. “float me,” he whispers, a resignation, a wish, maybe all of the above.

bellamy’s crawled back out of the rubble. “what?” he says, his eyes going soft as he stares at murphy. only now does he realize he’s trembling.

“i can’t help you,” murphy finally says, forcing his features to turn back to stoic.

bellamy is somehow at his side. “what’s going on?”

“i – i can’t help you.”

he senses bellamy look at what he’s tried to write down, and then, “murphy, you could have just told me.”

“just – go away, bellamy.” it’s the most pathetic thing he’s ever said, but no matter what words he chose none of them would be honest.

“i believe this is the room i’m working on, actually,” bellamy says, so softly that murphy can practically _feel_ the twinkle in his eyes.

he doesn’t say another word. murphy leaves, despite a small protest, fighting within himself to fix whatever pride he’s got left.

 

**v.**

he’s going to leave emori alone for longer than he said, only to fix himself first, but he can’t force himself to. it’s her greatest fear to be abandoned, he knows and – it’s too late for him, but not for her.

“are you alright?” she asks quietly. she doesn’t look at him, an old habit of not arousing suspicion they picked up from the ground.

“i am now,” he says, and it’s a lie, but she knows better than to pry.

 

**vi.**

a knock at his door, and it’s bellamy, because of course it is. “i have an offer.”

murphy sighs, the silence an invitation to continue.

“i taught octavia to read. i can teach you, too. and if we do that, i’ll help you out with the medical bay.”

it’s…not what he thought was coming.

“what do you get from this?”

“i don’t understand what any of the medical supplies left over are – and i know that you do. right?”

“some of it.”

“well, i’ll read the labels and stuff for you, help you write it down, so we all know the basics. but you have to let me help you learn to read.”

murphy waits, expecting his pride to completely fall apart – but nothing.

“fine.”

 

**vii.**

he sits alone in a hallway until harper comes and sits next to him. she doesn’t ask permission, and murphy doesn’t deny her the right.

“sometimes i still wish i had stayed with jasper.”

“yeah.”

“maybe it would have been easier.”

he pauses. “do you really think so?”

she laughs. “don’t you?”

 

**viii.**

“i know the alphabet, bellamy. i just – the words don’t. they don’t make sense, most of the time.”

bellamy clearly doesn’t understand. “what do you mean? i thought you had just never been taught.”

“i wasn’t, really,” he says, and he’s going to continue, but it’s a struggle. he sees bellamy’s inviting posture and yet his mind is screaming for him to stop, to contain himself, because that’s all he’s good at –

“my father taught me as much as he could, because i wasn’t in school,” he eventually says. “but i didn’t learn it very quickly. the other kids in medical learned faster.”

bellamy nods, slowly. “like…the words flip around, and stuff? don’t look right?”

“yeah, kind of.”

“i _think_ i’ve heard of something like that. dyslexia, i think.”

murphy’s never heard the word. nobody had ever tried to diagnose him further than _sick._ “okay.”

“more common than you think,” bellamy continues, “but i’m not a real teacher.”

murphy laughs. “yeah, and i’m not a real doctor, but here we are.”

 

**ix.**

“what do you think will happen when we land on the ground?” emori whispers to him, late one night.

“i think…it will be the same,” he finally answers.

“i hope so,” she says, revealing so much more than she ever had.

 

**x.**

murphy’s walking down a hallway when he hears the sobs. he _almost_ walks away, but then he thinks what if it’s emori, bellamy, raven, even and –

monty’s curled on a bed in a room that nobody’s living in right now. murphy stops at the door, staring. he doesn’t know how to handle this situation. he doesn’t know much about monty, other than they respect each other enough to not talk.

the option of just leaving is gone. monty hears him and meets his gaze, quickly sitting up. “it’s fine,” he says.

“i get it.”

“i just – i miss him.”

murphy’s lips tighten. “i get that, too.”

“i should’ve tried harder.”

“we all should have.”

monty’s eyes widen, meet murphy’s, and then – a nod. “yeah,” he agrees. “you’re right.”

 

**xi.**

the time passes slowly. murphy still can’t really read on his own.

“i don’t think i ever will,” he lets himself admit one day, quietly, only to bellamy’s ears.

“that’s alright,” bellamy says. “we don’t need it on the ground.”

“yeah,” he agrees, figuring he’s sadistic or a masochist for wanting to go back down there.

 

**xii.**

“i’m glad you didn’t stay with jasper.”

harper sighs. “thanks, murphy.”

 

**xiii.**

he stands in front of the room he burned to a crisp so long ago, and then he’s running down the hallways, past everything he remembered, towards everything he wants to know.

“bellamy,” he says, “help me write something.”

 

**xiv.**

the note he ends up writing only says _i’m sorry & i forgive you_ in messy, child’s writing, but he takes it to the room and burns it.

 

**xv.**

it still doesn’t feel _right_. it never will, not to any of them, but murphy stands in front of the rest of them, raven to his right and bellamy to his left, reporting details on the medical bay and what they have.

so what if it takes raven an extra year to get them out. so what if he never learns to read. so what if he still calls on bellamy to help him decipher his own writing.

he’s always been useful, he just –

his only remorse is it took him so long to know.

**Author's Note:**

> as always, much love, hope it was alright!! thanks for stopping by. do talk to me i'm lonely <3


End file.
